I'm sorry...

He says that I give up all my power, but I don't understand what power I supposedly have. And he doesn't understand that I don't matter when it comes to the law. I don't matter in the eyes of the public. He calls me his .wife and says they're my kids but they aren't. If we were to split I would get nothing, none of the children that I've come to see as my own, no money, nothing, I'd be left high and dry. And he doesn't understand that, and i can't make him understand it. I can't make him see that I am nothing, that I have nothing. No power, no strings, nothing to attach me to him. All I have is our love and that can be severed with nothing but a few words. But as always, I'd rather he be happy than have to fight with me. So, I'll close my mouth, smile, and pretend like nothing is wrong. I'll be everything he has ever dreamed of, just so I can see him smile, just so he will never be upset. I'll be anything he wishes and more.

I hate this.

Tonight, simply because we had nothing better to do, she and I got all dressed up. We did our make up, our hair, everything. She did it for some other guy, I did it for the love of my life. Now that the other guy isn't going to show up she took it all off and is going to bed. I'm still sitting here completely clothed, and made up. Why should she be allowed to set the mood and get whatever she wants?

Once A Cheater...

I really truly wanted to believe that it was an honest mistake. My lovely boyfriend hasn't changed and I really don't believe that he's going to. He sends dirty pictures to whichever woman he happens to be talking to at the moment, he receives and keeps all the dirty pictures that the women are willing to send. He writes XXX short stories for whomever asks, and then has the nerve to be upset with me for talking to another guy. I am with him monogamously, I don't send or receive anything dirty unless it's from him, but he sees fit to send and receive everything under the sun just because he can and "that's who he is." I hate that he does it and I've told him that, he said he would stop and he wouldn't do that anymore. I don't know what to do... 

Tired of this.

In my fight for what I want things have only gotten worse. I get treated like the hired help. I cook, I clean, I take care of the children, I perform as needed in everything. We sat up all night playing monopoly just for the hell of it and by the end of the game when things were getting tight she pitched a bitch fit because she had nothing left. I'm tired, I'm angry, and I'm the one whose wrong.

Also, there is a HUGE chance that I'm pregnant and all either of them can say to me is "well, we can't afford another kid right now." It's just like yes, I know that, but that does not mean that you get to treat me like shit because of it. It takes 2 to make a baby.

My life has just kinda gone to hell and I need a serious break.

Day I don't even know...

Things have gotten a little better. We don't fight as much but that's only because I've stopped telling him what's on my mind and all that other stuff. If something bothers me I just push it away and everyone can happily move on. I hate that he won't talk to me and that he doesn't understand when I try to explain things to him but I love him all the same and I wouldn't give it up for the world. Hopefully one day my dream will come true.

Day 2 in Hell.

He ignores me, won't come near me, and then has an attitude when I get upset. Not only is he trying to convince me that he isn't going to let the stupid cunt back but now he's going to see his ex because she's having a meltdown over her wanna be boyfriend. This is the same woman that he was texting not even a month ago calling her baby, telling her that they were meant to be together, telling her how he wants her naked body pressed against his. I'm having so many problems right now. I really wish I could just throw this woman out and convince him that he doesn't need her. I think that after she leaves Sunday he and I are going to sit down and have a long serious talk. I can't keep doing this, if he's not going to be with me 100% then he's just not going to be with me.

My wonderful boyfriend...

When I started my relationship with my boyfriend, 3 years ago yesterday, I knew that our relationship wouldn't be easy. Why? He's twice my age, married, and has kids. I wanted to give the relationship a shot in hopes of it working out. I know I'm an idiot for trying but I truly love this man. I've given his absolutely everything that I have to give. He was recently separated from his wife and I jumped to his rescue. I moved in the day she moved out, cared for the kids, kept the house clean, cooked, you name it I've done it. I've been busting my ass proving to him that I can be a much better partner than his wife ever was, especially since she abandoned him and the kids. She came back this weekend to "see the kids" but ever since she got here shes been on the phone ignoring the kids, she drags him off to talk to him and I feel like I'm nothing. I've been trying so hard and it's not enough. He's going to let her come crawling back just so she can do this to him again, she's already done it twice before. I don't know what to do, or how to feel, or who to trust... I feel lost and confused. I've ruined every other relationship that I've ever had to be with this man and here he is throwing it all in my face.